HASTE: The Mother of Regret
- H. Boulaghrasse
- Oct 29, 2024
- 4 min read
Slowing down is an incredibly powerful tool. It allows us to listen deeply, think critically, and respond thoughtfully—all of which are key ingredients for a healthy, lasting relationship.
The Prophet ﷺ said: Deliberation is from Allah, and haste is from Shaytan (Satan).
Authenticated by al-Albani in Sahih al-Jami’
“Beware of haste, for the Arabs used to call it the 'mother of regret.' This is because the hasty person speaks before knowing, responds before understanding, decides before thinking, cuts off before estimating, praises before experiencing, and criticises before discerning. No one has ever embraced this trait without being accompanied by regret and forsaking safety”
Abu Ishaq al-Qayrawani. Tunisian poet and writer, (Died, 1023), Zahr al-Adab.
In the fast-paced world we live in, it's easy to carry that speed into our conversations with our spouses. Yet, in marriage, slowing down can be a powerful tool. It allows us to listen deeply, think critically, and respond thoughtfully—all of which are key ingredients to a healthy, lasting relationship.
1. Why Slowing Down Matters
In any relationship, especially marriage, communication is central. When we rush conversations or let our emotions drive our words, misunderstandings and conflicts can easily arise. Taking a moment to breathe and process before responding can transform a potentially heated exchange into a meaningful discussion.
Reduced Misunderstandings: When we slow down, we have the time to process what our spouse is saying. This reduces the risk of assuming meanings that aren’t there.
Better Emotional Regulation: Pausing helps us avoid knee-jerk reactions, especially when dealing with sensitive topics. Many incidents of violence and divorce are the result of acting in haste rather than taking time to think.
When the Mother of the Believers, Aisha J, was falsely accused of adultery by the hypocrites, the Prophet ﷺ did not react hastily. His cousin, Ali ibn Abi Talib I, advised him to divorce her, seeing how deeply the rumours hurt him. However, the Prophet ﷺ rejected the idea of divorce, instead remaining steadfast and refraining from reaction until Allah declared her innocence through divine revelation.
Fosters Empathy: Taking time allows each spouse to consider the other's feelings and perspectives, fostering greater compassion and understanding.
2. The Link Between Pausing and Effective Listening
Listening well means not only hearing words but also understanding the emotions and intentions behind them. Slowing down provides the space to engage with this deeper level of listening.
Mindful Listening: Taking a pause to let our spouse’s words sink in without preparing a response right away makes us present. This leads to a more open and receptive mindset, which our partners can sense.
The Prophet ﷺ set a remarkable example in the art of listening attentively to others, whether they were believers or non-believers, righteous or unrighteous, men or women, free or enslaved. He ﷺ was the ultimate role model in building connections with others, understanding them, and making use of the good qualities they possessed.
In Mecca, he listened patiently to the trivialities and arguments of the Quraysh, a people known for their disputatious nature. When Utbah ibn Rabi’ah came as an emissary from the Quraysh to negotiate an end to the conflicts and disputes, the Prophet ﷺ let him present his proposals, including offers of wealth, power, and healing!.
When Utbah finished, the Prophet ﷺ asked him, “Have you finished, Abu al-Walid?” Utbah replied, “Yes.” Then the Prophet recited the opening verses of Surah Fussilat to him.
Clarification Over Assumption: By not jumping to respond, we can ask clarifying questions, which often leads to a richer, more accurate understanding of what our spouse is trying to convey.
3. Practical Strategies to Slow Down Communication
Here are a few steps spouses can try to practice slowing down in their conversations:
Set Aside “Think Time”: This could mean establishing a routine where, during important discussions, each spouse takes a few seconds before responding.Try to recall the observation of Allah and that the conversation is not solely about you but about the reality and shared good.
Practice Reflective Listening: Repeat back what your spouse has said in your own words before responding. This technique ensures you’re on the same page and helps reinforce empathy.
Use “I” Statements: Instead of saying, “You never listen,” try, “I feel unheard sometimes.” This can slow down emotional escalation.
4. Slowing Down to Build Stronger Bonds
When we slow down, our communication shifts from reacting to connecting. By making intentional pauses, we’re actively showing our spouses that we value their thoughts and feelings.
This approach isn’t about ignoring conflict but rather handling it in a way that strengthens the relationship over time.
Bedouins, who are rough and harsh in manner, would come up to the Prophet ﷺ, shouting, “Which of you is the son of Abdul Muttalib?” He would listen to them, satisfy them with kind words, attentive listening, and generous giving if he had something to offer. They would then return to their people, saying, “We have come back to you from the best of people.”
Because of his frequent listening to diverse groups of people, the hypocrites criticised him. Allah mentions this in the Qur’an, (Surah At-Tawbah, 61).
Here is the translation of an approximate meaning of the verse:
And others hurt the Prophet by saying, “He listens to anyone.” Say, ˹O Prophet,˺ “He listens to what is best for you. He believes in Allah, has faith in the believers, and is a mercy for those who believe among you.” Those who hurt Allah’s Messenger will suffer a painful punishment.
Best,
Hassan Boulaghrasse
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