Blame-Shifting in Marriage: How Refusing Accountability Destroys Relationships

Blame-shifting may feel like an easy way to protect yourself, but it ultimately leads to the breakdown of trust, intimacy, and emotional connection.

In Arabic literature, you often read: ‘Confessing one's wrongs is a virtue’

In my work as a Muslim marriage therapist, I often encounter couples who come to therapy with the hope of repairing their strained relationships. They seek clarity, understanding, and solutions to their marital issues. However, sometimes the path to healing is blocked by one or both spouses’ refusal to take responsibility for their own actions. One particularly memorable case illustrated this dynamic perfectly, and unfortunately, it led to the couple’s separation.

The Incident

During a therapy session with a couple, the husband admitted his shortcomings, acknowledging that his behaviour had contributed to their marital issues. This kind of self-awareness is an important first step in the healing process, and I appreciated his willingness to be vulnerable and honest.

However, as the session unfolded and I heard the full story, it became clear that the wife’s behaviour also played a significant role in their issues. There were patterns of emotional outbursts, disrespect, and an unwillingness to communicate constructively. Both spouses were caught in a toxic cycle that needed to be addressed from both sides.

When I gently mentioned to the wife that she too was a part of the problem and that she needed to work on her behaviours for the relationship to heal, she became furious. Rather than reflecting on my words, she immediately accused me of justifying her husband’s unacceptable behaviour. In her mind, any criticism of her behaviour was a defence of him. They are no longer together.

Why Refusing Accountability Damages Marriages

This incident highlights a common, but destructive, dynamic in marriages: blame-shifting. When one or both spouses refuse to acknowledge their role in the problems they are facing, healing becomes impossible. Blame-shifting, or deflecting responsibility onto the other spouse, is often a defence mechanism to avoid feelings of guilt, shame, or the need to apologise, but it can seriously erode the trust and intimacy necessary for a healthy marriage. Let’s break down why this behaviour is so damaging:

1. It Prevents Real Problem-Solving

When one spouse refuses to acknowledge their role in the conflict, it becomes impossible to solve the real issues. For example, in the case I described, the wife’s anger at being held accountable blocked any opportunity for growth. Rather than reflecting on her behaviour and making the necessary changes, she deflected attention away from herself and blamed me for being biased. This refusal to look inward prevented the couple from moving forward.

2. It Fuels Resentment

Blame-shifting creates a cycle of resentment between spouses. The person who is unfairly blamed for everything begins to feel misunderstood, unappreciated, and emotionally exhausted from constantly defending themselves. In this case, as I personally observed, while the husband admitted his faults, his wife’s unwillingness to accept responsibility left him feeling stuck in a one-sided dynamic. He eventually shut down and withdrew emotionally.

3. It Destroys Trust

Trust is the foundation of any strong relationship. Trust is built not only through honesty but also through accountability. When one spouse refuses to take ownership of their actions, the other may feel betrayed or like the relationship is not a safe space for vulnerability. Without accountability, the trust that once held the relationship together starts to unravel.

4. It Halts Personal Growth

Marriage in Islam is a leadership-based partnership that requires both individuals to grow together. Taking responsibility for one’s actions is crucial for personal development. When blame-shifting becomes a habit, it stunts this growth. The spouse who refuses to accept responsibility becomes stagnant, unwilling to evolve or learn from their mistakes. This lack of growth can prevent the relationship from maturing and deepening over time. We should all remember that people who continue to fight for their mistakes will always remain stuck in them.

Why Do People Blame-Shift?

Blame-shifting often stems from an inability to cope with the discomfort of being wrong or the fear of admitting imperfections. For many people, owning up to mistakes feels like an attack on their self-worth or self-image, so they go on the defensive by pushing the blame onto others. In extreme cases, this behaviour can be linked to narcissistic traits, where the individual feels entitled and sees themselves as infallible.

In the case of the couple I worked with, the wife’s anger at being called out for her behaviour could have been a result of feeling unfairly judged or threatened. Instead of viewing the feedback as an opportunity for growth, she saw it as an accusation that undermined her self-worth, leading to her angry outburst.

The Way Forward: Accountability and Growth

For any marriage to thrive, both spouses must be willing to take responsibility for their actions. While it’s not easy to admit when you’re wrong or to confront uncomfortable truths about yourself, doing so is essential for growth—both personally and as a married couple.

Here are a few ways to foster accountability in a marriage:

- Create a Safe Space for Communication: Both spouses need to feel that they can admit their mistakes without fear of being attacked or judged. Encourage open, non-judgmental conversations where both parties can express their feelings and concerns.

- Recognise the Role of Both Spouses: It’s rarely one person’s fault when a marriage encounters difficulties. Be willing to look at your own behaviours and consider how they may be contributing to the problem. This doesn’t mean excusing your spouse’s faults but understanding that both spouses play a role.

- Seek Professional Help: Sometimes, it’s hard to see your own faults, and an objective third party can provide valuable insight. A Muslim marriage counsellor or therapist can help Muslim couples navigate difficult conversations and guide them toward mutual accountability.

Conclusion

The sad reality is that the above-mentioned couple I worked with are no longer together, in part because one partner refused to take responsibility for her actions. Blame-shifting may feel like an easy way to protect yourself, but it ultimately leads to the breakdown of trust, intimacy, and emotional connection. True growth and healing in a marriage come from both spouses being willing to look inward, take accountability, and work together to overcome challenges.

With all that said,, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this topic. Do you have a personal story or insight to share? Feel free to use the space below to continue the conversation. Thank you for reading, and I look forward to seeing you in the next article!

Best,

Hassan Boulaghrasse

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