What Really Makes Marriages Work
- H. Boulaghrasse
- Apr 21
- 3 min read
Decades of research have shown that the strongest marriages are not built on luxury, but on consistent emotional connection and mutual care in everyday moments.
As a marriage therapist, I often hear spouses say things like:
“I just spent so much money on a surprise holiday,”
“I bought her the car she always wanted”
“We threw a huge party on Eid day”
These gestures are beautiful, and no doubt they come from a place of love and good intention. But I gently remind them of a hard truth:
❝It’s not the grand gestures once or twice a year that make a marriage thrive… it’s the small, everyday contributions.❞
The daily smile.
The cup of tea you make without being asked.
The helping hand with the dishes.
The soft “Are you okay?” after a long day.
The shared breakfast.
The warm eye contact.
The moment you say, “Thank you.”
These tiny acts are what truly sustain a relationship. This idea is beautifully illustrated in Dr. John Gottman’s groundbreaking book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. He discovered, through decades of research, that “the strongest marriages are not built on luxury, but on consistent emotional connection and mutual care in everyday moments”.
The Prophetic Model: Small Acts, Lasting Love
This concept isn’t new to us as Muslims. In fact, our beloved Prophet Muḥammad ﷺ demonstrated it with immense grace. His life with his wives was filled with countless small gestures of kindness, love, and service.
🔸 Aisha (J) reported:
“The Prophet ﷺ used to keep himself busy serving his family, and when it was time for prayer, he would go out to pray.” (Bukhari)
He didn’t just serve them occasionally — he helped them consistently. His daily behaviour showed that being present and loving in the mundane was the true hallmark of a strong relationship.
🔸 The Prophet ﷺ also said:
“The best of you are those who are best to their wives, and I am the best of you to my wives.” (Tirmidhi)
This Hadith reminds us that our excellence is not measured by our wealth or status, but by how well we treat our spouse — especially in the small, unseen moments of daily life.
The Qur’anic Perspective
The Holly Qur’an beautifully reinforces this concept with its profound emphasis on compassion, mercy, and emotional closeness between spouses:
🕊 “And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them, and He placed between you affection and mercy.” (Surah Ar-Rum 30:21)
This mawaddah (affection) and rahmah (mercy) are not just shown on anniversaries or through gifts — they are lived daily through how we treat one another, speak to each other, and support one another in both ease and difficulty.
Why Small Things Matter Most
Dr. Gottman’s research uncovered that successful couples make and respond to "bids for connection" — tiny moments where one spouse reaches out emotionally and the other responds with care. This builds emotional trust and intimacy, brick by brick.
It’s not about perfection.
It’s about ‘being there’ — consistently, gently, intentionally.
💡 Bringing your spouse water before they ask.
💡 Sending a kind message during the day.
💡 Offering a hug after a stressful moment.
💡 Sitting down for 10 minutes to listen without distractions.
These small things don’t just matter.
They are the marriage.
A Reminder for All of Us
In a world that glorifies the grand and spectacular, Islam and psychology both return our focus to the ordinary. The everyday. The meaningful.
Let us not fall into the trap of neglecting our spouse all year and then trying to make up for it with one expensive gift or getaway.
Instead, let us honour our spouse in our tone, our touch, our time, and our tenderness. Every day.
Final Reflection
🌿 **The Prophet ﷺ said:
“Do not belittle any good deed, even meeting your brother with a cheerful face. (Muslim).
If this is how we are to treat our fellow Muslims, how much more does it apply to our spouse — the one we’ve pledged our life to?
Your marriage isn’t built in a day. It’s built every day.
With small acts.
With sincere love.
And with Allah’s help.
Also, I would like to know your thoughts on this article. Please share below.
May you remain content and joyful.
Best,
Hassan Boulaghrasse
A lovely post that serves as a reminder of one of my favourite messages in life - it’s the tiniest of things that can really make a difference. Small, non-flashy acts of kindness carried out consistently over time do create loyalty and respect between people, particularly in this busy, noisy and attention seeking world. And, I think, are much more joy inducing than anything that can be bought. Hopefully you have encouraged everyone to incorporate this into their everyday lives.