Emotional Disconnection: The Silent Killer of Marriage

Nothing destroys a marriage faster than emotional disconnection. It is the number one killer of relationships. I like to call it “The Broken Hook”―that painful moment when you feel the bond with your spouse has disappeared. No spark, no closeness, no emotional connection.

This connection is vital. It’s like a magnet that draws two people together and keeps them attached through life’s challenges.

When Al-Mughira ibn Shu’ba informed the Prophet ﷺ that he intended to get married, the Prophet ﷺ asked him a crucial question:

“Did you see her?”

Al-Mughira replied, “No.”

The Prophet ﷺ advised, “Go and see her; perhaps you both will feel a connection.”

In my experience as a therapist, when one spouse decides to give up on reconciliation and moves toward divorce, it’s often because the emotional connection is already broken. This highlights the need for couples to nurture and preserve their bond.

Think of a hook holding a potted plant. If the hook breaks, the pot falls and shatters. A marriage faces the same fate when emotional connection is lost.

Why Do We Lose Emotional Connection?

There are ten major factors that can lead to emotional disconnection in marriages. In this article, I will focus on one of the most significant causes: Choosing the Wrong Person.

Not everyone is easy to live with. Some people simply aren’t “liveable.”

Imagine buying something online. You’re excited about the product, but when it arrives, it’s not what you expected. Maybe it’s defective, or maybe it just doesn’t meet your needs. Some relationships are like that.

Always remember: some people don’t deserve your time―even as friends, let alone as a spouse. The Prophet ﷺ warned:

“The worst people in Allah’s sight on the Day of Resurrection are those whom others avoid because of their wickedness.” (Reported by Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

He ﷺ also said:

“The believer is easy to get along with. There is no good in a person who neither gets along with others nor allows others to get along with him.”   

The more questions you ask and the more time you take to reflect before committing, the better choices you’ll make. Better choices mean more peace and less pain.

The Role of Attraction

Many people wonder, “How important is it to feel attracted to the person you’re considering marrying? What does attraction mean?”

While the law of attraction suggests that like attracts like, it’s essential to be cautious. Attraction doesn’t always signal a green light for a relationship. Sometimes, it’s a red flag.

The Prophet ﷺ explained this beautifully:

“Souls are like conscripted soldiers. Those that recognise one another will come together, and those that do not will part ways.” (Reported by Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

This shows us that souls naturally harmonise with those similar to them.

The Importance of Purifying Your Soul

If your soul is pure and aligned with goodness, it will attract other good souls. But a troubled soul may resonate with negativity, drawing in bad influences.

To attract the right people, regularly examine and purify your own heart. This raises an important question:

Can souls change?

Yes, they can. Consider this story:

Thumamah ibn Uthal, a leader of Banu Hanifa, was once captured by the Prophet’s companions and tied to a pillar in the mosque. For three days, the Prophet ﷺ visited him and asked, “What do you have to say, Thumamah?”

Thumamah replied, “If you kill me, you will kill someone whose death will be avenged. If you show kindness, you will show it to a grateful man.”

After three days, the Prophet ﷺ ordered his release. Thumamah left, bathed, and returned to the mosque, declaring:

“I bear witness that there is no god but Allah and that Muhammad is His Messenger. O Muhammad, there was no face more hated to me than yours, but now it is the dearest. There was no religion more detested to me than yours, but now it is the most beloved.”

This story shows how souls can transform when given kindness, guidance, and opportunity.

Align Your Soul with Goodness

To attract good souls, focus on purifying your own. Reflect on your values, align your actions with them, and purify your intentions. A peaceful soul aligned with goodness naturally harmonises with similar souls and repels negativity.

As Allah reminds us in the Qur’an, success begins with self-purification. By improving yourself, you create the foundation for better relationships.

What Makes a Person the Wrong Spouse?

Sometimes, a spouse might not be right for you because of significant personality traits, mental health issues, or behaviours that make a healthy relationship impossible. Examples include narcissism, extreme paranoia, or severe stinginess.

In Islam, one of the key conditions for a valid marriage contract is “kafa’ah” (Worthiness in our context). Scholars agree on the importance of a “defect-free marriage,” where both spouses are free from significant issues that hinder a healthy relationship.

Consider this example from the life of Fatimah bint Qais:

She said, “The Messenger of Allah ﷺ told me, ‘When your “‘iddah” (waiting period after divorce) is over, inform me.’ So I informed him. Then Muawiyah, Abu Jahm ibn Hudhayfah, and Usamah ibn Zayd proposed to me. The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said:

‘As for Muawiyah, he is a poor man with no wealth. As for Abu Jahm, he is a man who beats women. But Usamah (is a good choice).’”

Fatimah initially hesitated but trusted the Prophet’s ﷺ guidance and married Usamah. She later expressed her happiness with him.

When You Think Your Spouse Is the Wrong Person

What should you do if you feel emotionally disconnected and believe your spouse is the wrong person?

1. Be Honest and Self-Reflective

   Ensure the issue lies with your spouse and not within yourself. Sometimes, personal flaws or defence mechanisms can cloud judgment.

   Wisdom and sincerity are key. They allow you to identify the root of the problem and determine how to address it.

Consider the story of Jamila bint Ubay:

She approached the Prophet ﷺ and said, “I have no complaint about Thabit’s faith or character. But I dislike disbelief after I embraced Islam! She basically meant “I do not want to stay with him.”

Despite Thabit’s good character and faith, Jamila had lost her emotional connection to him. She was honest about her feelings, and the Prophet ﷺ facilitated a divorce.

How to Reflect Objectively

Use this exercise to assess your thoughts:

1. Write It Down:

   List what you dislike about your spouse.

2. Evaluate:

   On the opposite side, explain why these traits are problematic for any human or Muslim to have.

3. Seek Counsel:

   Share your thoughts with two trustworthy individuals or an expert, and note their feedback.

4. Summarise and Conclude:

   Determine whether your judgment is sound and rooted in reality.

If you’re unmarried, use this process to reflect on a potential spouse.

The Goal: Identify What Makes Someone “Unliveable”

Your aim should be to understand traits that make a person difficult or impossible to live with. By taking the time to reflect and ask the right questions, you can make informed decisions, reducing the likelihood of future regret.

Remember, emotional connection is the lifeline of a marriage. Nurture it, protect it, and never take it for granted.

Also, I would like to know your thoughts on this article. Please share below.  

May you remain content and joyful. 

Best,

Hassan Boulaghrasse

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